Blog's not dead

Hey! 
Um.. Well. It's been a while since I posted anything here. And I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone and if you've stopped checking my blog, I get it. It's just that lately 
1) I've been lazier, 
2) I lacked inspirations 
3) I tend to avoid updating sometimes even if I really wanted to because *refer to #1*


So, what's been going on lately? I enrolled in UniSel (short for Universiti Selangor) and I'm doing something I didn't quite imagine myself doing- TESL( which stands for teaching English as a second language).


And my family and I have moved to Klang partly because I'm studying in Selangor and partly because its something that was on the cards already. But mostly because of dad's job.


And also, its been months since I baked anything, made anything for anyone, months since I learnt how to make something with my hands, and almost a year since I saw my dear JS pals, or rather family. I miss them all so very much.  
Now for the worst part. *scary fact* Its been months since I felt any fire for God. I'm backsliding, and its really bad. Somewhere in the back of my head, I know that even just 5 minutes with Dad would make a world of difference for me and give Him at least a slight pleasure of talking to Him. I know, I know...that what I'm doing is not right. In fact I feel messed up inside, spiritually. What do people see in me? I don't even want to think about it.
I still believe in Him and all, but I'm not 'growing', if you know what I mean. I feel so worthless at times. I fill my head with lots of trash and God is hardly in the center of my attention. Really pathetic, I know. 


Trying to find time to do my devo *when I'd rather do something else* is really killing me. I don't know what went wrong, when or where. I know I NEED to, WANT to change for the better. I want Him to be real proud of me. Not sad or disappointed because I keep avoiding Him. Easier said than done. 


I find myself trying to fit in to this world. The me that people see..really is me, but not the me I want them to see. A girl who loves God more than anything. But, honestly, DO I really love Him MORE than anything? I'll have to figure that out on my own.


# A thought that crossed my mind yesterday evening: Why can't I fit myself into both the world and the Bible at the same time? That way I won't feel so bad right?  And God won't be hurt and the world would still have a part of me..right? *sigh* I know the answers to these dumb thoughts already. I grew up being taught that the world and the Bible simply can't go together. It's either this or that. Shouldn't be too hard to make a choice esp. when the right choice is right under my nose..right? Oh, Lord....SOS. Someone please help me.  

For the first post in 2012 and in months, I know its depressing and pathetic. Bear with me, please. I need to put it out somewhere...